Romance & Patriarchy

“I do not need you, I choose you!”
I bellow. 
Diaphragm contracting,
forcing the air violently out of my lungs
in every asthmatic’s last ditch effort to create space
enough to inhale, gasping erratically.

As if to prove the veracity of my words,
my feet pound out Kali’s dance of destruction
crumbling my temple of refuge to rubble yet again.
Anklets jingling, tongue protruding, skulls clanking.

But her right arm extends protectively around me.
“Fear not!” “This too shall pass.”
The audacity of a flower peeking out between the cracks of fallen stone
“Rest in my strength and know with certainty you will be reborn.”
I inch ever closer to center with each wild orbit of the spiral.

Look at the muscle in my arm! 
The bulge of my thigh
The fortitude that reverberates in this proud chest! 
Why would anyone want a puppy dog to follow them around
and not a powerful consort to dance with? 
Where is my warrior? 
Brave enough to match my steps.
Strong enough to laugh as the protective walls crumble.
Rough edges to sand smooth as we struggle in the grit of this cosmic play.

I’m tired of the same old trap like quicksand sucking at my feet.
Roles we step into in our sleep and blindly act out like somnambulos.
Who will help me deconstruct the bars of this cage
they’ve convinced us is love
to build a ladder to the sky? 
Open and endless,
where we can breathe.

Let these emotions rise and fall like waves on the ocean.
Wash over us like purified water, communion.
Breathe them in, honor them
and then let them rush back to the sea
from where they came.
I am like those tides,
the more you grasp at me,
the more I will recede.

Why must I be weak for you to believe my love?
I want to trade strength like passing a goblet of fire.
Wrap my thick thighs around you like the earth
cradle you in my healing warmth
that I call forth from my depths
Hold each other through the rocky patches,
Believe in the dawn on the other side of darkness.

My life is my art,
like a sculpture I am constantly building and rebuilding,
punching down as if it were lumpy dough
throwing the clay with a thud on the spinning wheel
caressing it with wet fingers
creating and recreating,
starting over and over again.

I yearn for you to match my moves
Bare your chest, speak your truth, and counter my flame without blowing it out!
Not back down, not be intimidated by my light.

For I must claim my inheritance
the one they denied me
god the father on endless loop
throughout my childhood.
I’ve seen my mountain lion
Branded her on my arm
Her eyes blaze through the darkness,
calling me to the wild.
Out of the darkness everything is born.

My hair swirls around my face
as I roll over
and straddle you
an ancient sadness in my eyes
pleading for you to want my strength
but fear if I let myself rise
If I let my true light shine

I will find myself alone.

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